Mark and Jay Duplass were arrested on the Occidental College campus after physically assaulting a class of film majors for not making enough indie movies in their free time. Twenty students were wounded and nine were hospitalized during the Hollywood power-siblings’ violent frenzy.
The writer-producer-director-actor brothers were first spotted near the Occidental film department aggressively yelling at students for their lackluster indie film output, before setting out on a campus-wide onslaught of violence and film-production advice.
“The big Duplass brother came up to my face and screamed, ‘Why are you not making an indie film right now? You have an iPhone with a [expletive] 1080p eight-megapixel camera!’” junior Jerry Mandlin told reporters. “Then the small Duplass shattered my iPhone and stabbed me repetitively with the broken phone shards.”
The film-industry-quadruple-threat siblings not only targeted students, but terrorized tenured film professor, Anne Marrins. The taller and smaller brother reportedly tied Ms. Marrins to a film crane then beat her mercilessly with a tripod, so that Ms. Marrins would “inspire her deadbeat students to make a movie every damn day of the week.”
“What we feared has happened,” Occidental College President Jonathan Veitch announced today. “With the brothers’ recent publishing of preachy internet filmmaking articles, we knew it was coming. I just wish we could have prevented it.”
At 10:58 a.m., the prolific-multi-hypenate-Tinseltown-bros were taken into police custody, where they showed no remorse for their actions. When told that one student may never be able to walk again, the smaller Jay Duplass replied, “Good. Now he has a life experience that will translate perfectly into a film festival favorite. I just hope to God he shoots it before I post bail this afternoon. Cause if not, I’ll make a film about an awesome, inspirational Hollywood mogul who assassinates the shit out of a lazy, shitty film student.”
Steve Jarvey, the Occidental student who went into a coma, awoke this morning and told reporters, “I’m a film minor. I don’t care about making films—but I’ve learned one thing from the whole experience: the Duplass brothers are assholes. Also, one is taller than the other.”
Update 11:58 a.m.
We're In jail and making a movie about it as we tweet https://t.co/KZjRLscexn
— Jay Duplass (@jayduplass) May 11, 2016