Describing the timing as “optimal,” actress Taylor Chappelle scheduled a long-simmering nervous breakdown to finally occur next Tuesday, right after an audition and right before her weekly Pilates class.

“Like most people trying to come up in the entertainment industry, I say ‘yes’ to everything,” said Chappelle, who fears she isn’t getting younger and is probably a big disappointment to her friends and family. “But that also means between classes, workshops, shows, and shooting YouTube videos to ’reinvigorate my brand,’ I hardly have any time for myself, let alone the complete destruction of my internal reality. Luckily, my audition and Pilates are both in Santa Monica, so I’ll have an hour in between to completely lose my shit.”

“And what better place to have a nervous breakdown than the Promenade?” she added.

The 31-year-old Chappelle – who knows her problems don’t even matter because other people have it much worse – has been meaning to experience the simultaneous hopelessness and catharsis of a nervous breakdown for some time, but simply hasn’t been able to slot one in. In it’s stead, Chappelle has opted to fill every waking moment with an excruciating, non-stop pursuit of success, which she claims both “keeps me busy” and “keeps me from realizing my life has become a hollow, joyless mess.”

Tuesday’s rare schedule opening presented a prime opportunity for the actress to break the pattern of barely keeping it together, and knock out the long-needed emotional collapse so she can get back to work.

“The pressure to succeed can be crippling,” Melissa Barnes, the author of Fake It Till You Realize Your Life is a Lie!, explained. “Overly driven people will often completely neglect their mental health, treating every negative thought as an unwelcome distraction. But Taylor realizes the importance of what we call in the medical community ‘freaking the fuck out’ and has budgeted accordingly. “

“With that kind of hard work and time management,” Barnes added, “She’ll get that brass ring yet!”

Chappelle’s nervous breakdown, which may or may not include an elevated heart rate, crying, and complete ego death, is tentatively scheduled to last 57 minutes. Chappelle has acknowledged the possibility that the breakdown could “have an encore” and bleed into her 4:30 Advanced Pilates class.

However, missing Pilates is far from ideal, cause Chappelle knows that working actresses of her type should ideally stay in impeccable shape until they are dead.

“But let’s not assume the worst yet,” Chappelle insisted, brightening up. “This nervous breakdown will go exactly as planned! It has to.”