A matinee screening of Warner Bros’ “Batman V. Superman” became a nightmare today, when a theater employee demanded that the audience be completely silent before he’d start the film. While it is customary for Arclight employees to introduce each film and remind audiences to turn off their cell phones, the employee, identified as assistant manager Daniel Herrara, has refused to start the film for over four hours.
“Batman V. Superman, directed by the great Zack Snyder, has a runtime of one hundred and fifty-three minutes,” Herrara reportedly said at the beginning of his introduction. “And it is a work of art. You’ll give it the respect it deserves by silencing your cell phones and refraining from talking during the film. In fact, you’ll refrain from making any noise at all. Starting now.” Herrara then stood with his hands on his hips, staring at the audience for several minutes while they continued to talk amongst themselves.
“We thought it was a joke at first. We started laughing,” said moviegoer Arnold Peters. “But then he was like, ‘I’m waitiiiiiiing,’ and that’s when we realized he was serious.” Apparently, several earnest attempts to be completely silent have been made by the audience, but each time someone asked if they had been quiet for long enough, Herrara forced them to start all over again. “I’m super stoked for the movie,” said Peters. “The trailers were awesome and I’ve avoided all spoilers. I’m pretty sure it’ll be worth it.”
Officer Bryan Thomas was the first from LAPD to arrive on the scene. “Dispatch started getting calls around hour two. In the background you could hear him shouting ‘What did I say? Turn off your cell phone!’ It sounded pretty violent, so I was called out to negotiate a peaceful resolution.” Herrara’s list of demands is said to include free popcorn and flavor powder for life, universal acceptance that 2013’s Man of Steel is “totally fucking sick”, and “unlimited rides in that Ghostbusters car they sometimes park outside”.
“Sure, we could just take him out. That part’s easy, we have snipers everywhere,” said Officer Thomas. “But the LAPD can’t start the movie. Only Herrara has the power to do that. I pray to god he uses it.” Nevertheless, at press time the audience was still being held inside the theater, trying to be as quiet as possible. “Not good enough,” said Herrara. “I can still hear you crinkling your wrappers up there. Don’t you guys realize that this movie sets up the whole rest of the DC movie universe? Don’t you care??”