Nike’s new West Coast flagship store, Nike The Grove, is a three-story, 31,000-square-foot store that requires you to walk up seven flights of stairs just to get to the sitting-around-the-house pants.
“I really wanted the Nike Squad Strike Tech Pant, but I’m winded like I’m playing soccer or something.” Said Shane Love as he sat on a landing between the second and third floors of the Nike Store. “I wanted pants to wear while I ate Trader Joe’s Baked Cheese Crunchies and napped, I didn’t think I was gonna have to be a super athlete to get them.”
The pants, perfectly designed for a lazy Sunday afternoon, feature weather-resistant fabric, ideal for when you accidentally spill soda on yourself as you fall asleep, Dri-FIT fabric to keep you comfortable while you sweat in your un-air conditioned home, and articulated knees for easy ability to kick your feet up on your $10 Ikea coffee table.
Upon further investigation it seems like all of the perfect laying around the house clothing was placed on the third floor of the Nike store, well beyond the physical limitations of those who wish to sit on their lazy asses and do nothing all day.
When reached for comment Dennis van Oosanen, vice president and general manager for the company’s North America direct-to-consumer division, said, “We put our most comfortable sitting-around clothes on the top floor to keep the non-athletic out of our store.”
At press time, Shane had rolled himself down the stairs of the Nike store, and is planning on using the money he saved not buying Nike pants to get a HoverBoard, as he doesn’t think he’ll have the energy to walk back to his car.
