LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – On Monday, after months of deliberation, IOC president Thomas Bach revealed the 2024 Summer Games will officially be hosted at the Whole Foods on 3rd and Fairfax. “We believe that this particular branch of Whole Foods truly encapsulates the world community and spirit of sportsmanship that define the games. Plus they have a new smoothie station!” The final bid was close between Rome, Budapest, and the Glendale Galleria. But the committee was swayed by the the already built locker rooms, salad bar, and free samples of chard. “This is an honor, and we can’t wait to show the athletes of the world wha Whole Foods is all about,” said Geoff Keely, an assistant manager on the day shift.

Whole Foodites are confident on their abilities to host on the global stage “There will be, what, 10,000 athletes, 25,000 crew and 750,000 spectators? So like a normal lunch rush.” says Helen Kim, the resident takeaway order sushi chef. The boutique supermarket will face a difficult challenge hosting the summer games, since many cities have found themselves losing money after playing host for the costly Olympics. But the supermarket is well versed for the burden of having to host such a long event having had to host previous world events such as Mario Batali’s grilled cheese product demonstration last September. The concern of lodging will be addressed by turning the neighboring Ross Clothing into an Olympic Village and athletes will be given a 10% discount to the nut mixing station. “We’re sure that Whole Food will be able to handle the demands that we ask” added Bach, while eating a slice of Broccoli pizza, “And that these games will be one of the most exciting, organic ones yet!” .

The bid has not been without controversy as many have claimed improper transactions between the chain and the planning committee with reports of gifts of several million dollars of Yerba Matte tea being included in gift baskets and multiple free samples of ahi jerky. But overall the Whole Foodians seem excited at the prospect of showing the pride of Fairfax and 3rd St.