With April’s return of the gentlemen of the diamond, the south-land is finally able to let their alcoholism see the light of day, so long as it’s accompanied by a Rawlings mitt or a foam finger. With public intoxication still outlawed in this country, many Los Angeles citizens spent the winter months going to great lengths to meet their midday inebriation needs including vodka filled water bottles, false drawer bottoms for flask storage and work from home jobs. Now, their drunk flags are waving almost as high as the fly baseballs they’re not paying any attention to.
“When I got wasted and started yelling at a 19-year-old stranger, they said that was a problem and I had to go through a court-mandated rehab,” noted one woman. “Now they just call me a Dodgers fan.”
Even more liberating, America’s pastime of binge drinking has brought unexpected bonds across the park goer population. An entire fraternity chapter was seen taking selfies with the local senior citizen home at the San Diego Padres’ home opener. A group of single moms and an international business team were caught making obscene jokes together using the mini-bat giveaways. And Angel Stadium’s upper deck found themselves so into each other the entire section 402 was put on Kiss Cam.
Franchises are taking note of the saucy tendencies of their audience and making changes to ensure their safety and well being. Owners of all three southern California teams are investing in breathalyzers activated parking gates, pillow-like material on toilet seats and printed directions to the nearest AA meeting on the back of each ticket.
“I’m fine with it as long as they’re in the stands,” Dodgers shortstop Damien Ryan comments. “I know how boring baseball is, I don’t expect them to pay attention.”