Wine Experts Recommend Wine Pairings for the Academy Award Best Picture Nominees

“The Revenant calls for a gritty, earthy, dirty red. The 2008 Maison Fontaine Chateauneuf du Pape hits the mouth like a crawl through brambles in wet mud. Notes of blackberry and bear jism.”

“The tension of Bridge of Spies begs for the minerality of a dry Austrian Riesling. The 2013 Domain Schutte is predictably crisp; you can smell it from a mile away and frankly isn’t Tom Hanks kind of the same no matter what movie he’s in? Just me?”

“On my day off (if I ever get one ha ha!) you might find me watching a Blu-ray of Brooklyn while quaffing one of the desperately juicy, translucently dank Pinot Noirs of the sort some of Washington’s ‘naughty’ wineries are churning out these days. Tastes like Dionysus dipped his nuts in a barrel of Ocean Spray Cran. Haven’t seen the film.”

“The Big Short presents an interesting sort of challenge because the kind of vapid finance industry parasites depicted in the film are big proponents of spending too much on wine, a habit which is 100% responsible for the existence of my job category. It’s tempting to take a sort of apologetic stance and recommend some affordable swill, like a $3.99 handle of ‘Cotes du Winery Floor Sweepings’ from Trader Joe’s. Instead I’m going to take the opposite approach and recommend a $4000 bottle of 1976 Maison Monduque Bordeaux, which tastes like you can just pay up and kiss my ass.”

“I love a difficult pairing. When I was 14 I gave my Great Aunt Bexy a tumbler of Carlo Rossi Rhine with her grilled artichoke, and it led to her second and strongest stroke. At the restaurant we have a “Silverkale” dish which came about when Chef accidentally transposed two letters in ‘Silverlake’; it’s a hodgepodge of accidental flavor notes and a nightmare to pair with. For The Room I’m tempted to pretend it’s called ‘The Moor’ and pair it with a dark, dark Petite Sirah or Old Vine Zinfandel. I guess the dark thing could be offensive but I’m desperate to avoid the topic of the film itself since the subject matter is a bit close to home: as a child, I also had my own ‘Room’ down the hall from my parents, who hated it when I’d come into their room to tell them I had to pee. I haven’t seen the film but I assume it’s like that.”

“For The Martian I’d recommend a glass of Domaine – as in ‘Doh-Man’ – ‘Domaine, Isn’t This Some Boring Shite.’ Oh sorry, is that not funny? You know what else is not funny is The Martian, so if someone can fucking tell me how it’s nominated for Best Comedy – Oh, this isn’t still the Golden Globes? Never mind. Try our chicken, it’s not bad.”

“Shiny and chrome, shiny and chrome…That’s a thing, right? From Mad Max: Fury Road? There aren’t really any wines that are chrome-colored but…I don’t know, I guess a lot of the bottles have a shiny foil at the top of the neck. Speaking of top of the neck, there were some weird outfits in this film am I right? Not just the guys but…Oh yeah, the women! That’s a thing to talk about with this film, is women! In a like, powerful way. What’s a good, like…feminist wine? I should ask some of my female sommelier friends. There aren’t very many, as you can probably tell by the list. As is the entertainment industry, a dimwitted man who is willing to toss out any old bullshit has a much better chance than the most qualified female in the running.”

“Spotlight? Boy cum.”