UC Santa Barbara student Mary Carson was devastated this past weekend after discovering that her relationship with two high school friends was a ploy to gain access to her beach side apartment and university meal plan.

“I sensed something was up when they only asked me questions about April’s average temperatures and expected rainfall,” Mary explained. “But I convinced myself they were just really into meteorology.”

Carson, a freshmen environmental studies major, had been acquaintances with Carly Madrid and Hannah Olson since their days at Jefferson Elementary in Duluth, Minnesota. Their relationship had blossomed into a full blown sisterhood upon Mary’s acceptance into the California university. The former Midwesterner was shocked after learning the friends she had shared her deepest secrets with were merely on a ruthless hunt for clean towels and pool toys.

The news broke when Mary was inadvertently included on a text between the two Northern Minnesota Tech students regarding their ulterior motives. The message revealed their desire to rid themselves of farmer’s tans and virginities, even if it meant letting Carson recite to them her latest paper on recycling.

“I wish this story was less common than it was,” Dean of Students Janet Guffin remarked. “That’s why I recommend leading a thorough investigation before committing to a long term friendship with people in cold climates. I moved here from Maine and haven’t spoken to my mother in years.”

Although Mary stated she was doing fine, both of her parents made the trip out to Santa Barbara to see to their daughter’s healthy recovery. They’ll be staying at a nearby beach resort for at least a week to ensure all is well.