Popular geo-positioning app Waze introduced the “I Am Not an Insane Person and I Value My Life” feature on Friday, broadening its user base to include people who are fine with their trip taking a minute longer if it means not risking death in a fiery car crash.
In a prepared statement, a spokeswoman for Waze revealed the reconfigured app will consider the idea that “sometimes people just want to know how to get someplace,” and will no longer assume that “only the weak use stoplights” and drivers “serve only the Dark Lord of Marginal Shortcuts.”
The new feature represents a softening of Waze’s previously hardline stance, exemplified by its company motto, “Life is Meaningless if Not Threatened Daily.”
Lead developer Amir Shanar admitted that it has been a real revelation for his team that “apps don’t care whether they live or die, but apparently some people do” and that some drivers “don’t seem to enjoy the simple thrill of taking a hairpin left turn with no warning.”
In a series of test runs across the city of Los Angeles, Shanar claimed that on average, activating the new “death-taunting-free” feature made trips last 17 seconds longer. The same trips also involved approximately three fewer requests to drive straight across thoroughfare La Cienega Boulevard with no light during rush hour.
Shanar admitted that he will miss “classic” Waze, and took reporters out for one last drive guided by the old system.
“Waze is about getting over your fear of the unknown. If you wanted to drive like everyone else you could just take Sunset everywhere, like a sucker. Or you could repeatedly drive across Sunset and turn a mundane trip into an exciting, nonsensical zig-zag full of… oh crap, here’s my exit.”
Shanar then cut directly across eight lanes of traffic in the congested 110/101 interchange, endangering the lives of all those around him, because his phone told him to do so.